RECIDIVISM

14 April 2009 @ 01:55 am

i couldnt think of a title. but it fits.
fml. cause thats how i feel it is, a big fuck up.
I swear like a sailor, its not going to change, no offense to your god or higher power.

Im tired of people, im tired of life, im tired of looking at myself in the mirror. I actually have been able to avoid them for two days. but i can still feel my skin and how im eternally stuck in this shithole of a body and yarnball of a brain that has more knots and twists and strands of impossible kinks that it will never unravel. thats not even how you spell that fucking word. now I'll have to look it up. thanks brain. oh, apparently that is the spelling..thanks online dictionary.

can one ravel? ive never heard that term.

im down that spiral again...and I could give a shit. so much that im not hiding it from anyone. now, lots of people dont ask, and i certainly dont call them and say "hey, im fucked for life" but im not hiding it. whats the point, either way people will be as they are.
then there is the one that thinks I can control this. Well, fuck you. Fuck all of you that tell me i know better. of course i know better, im not a fucking idiot, as you all keep reminding me. of my potential, of my brain, of my compassion. well, where did all that get me? dumped, broken, abandoned, laid off, isolated, fat, anxious, and writing this piece of shit on LJ at 2am.
Now I cant remember why I started this trainwreck of a note anyway.

right. because im mad at you, and you, and you, and you. your tough love has left me feeling rejected and like a piece of shit. i would never treat you like that, nor would i ever treat anyone who I KNOW has issues with abandonment/rejection like that. heartless.

im going to cut in a little bit, the knife is out. has to be on the right arm, the left one is too carved up, which i hate because its my opposite hand and the lines are never even OCD at its finest, taking a blade to your arm.

im so numb right now its unreal. I have never been so blank, so hollow in my life. It could be the pills. but i have no emotion. I need some nine inch nails, he always brings out something. most of the other songs bring out a reminder of what could have been but what I can never have. how did i get this fucked up? can a father leaving his daughter numerous times in her life do this? can an adult man putting his hands down your pants when you are 8 years old do this? can your boyfriend when you're 19 who does the same thing to you while you sleep as the guy who molested you do this? can a failed relationship of 6 years do this? or is all me? all of my lies and secrets and secret addictions. is it all my fault? thats how I feel. I was an adult when I picked these paths. I saw the fork, to lie and say I didnt see the end of the road would be stupid, i saw the shithole that was at the end of the ED road, I just didnt care, and honestly, I think I deserved the shithole, just as I do now. I trashed the lives of so many around me. I wish they would just go live their own little happy lives and forget I exist. I wish my mom only had 2 children instead of 3....i hurt her so much.

i am a piece of shit.
d.

Current Location: computer obviously

Current Mood:

numb

Current Music: Kate Nash-Nicest Thing

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11 April 2009 @ 11:48 am

Control

I am so fucking frustrated right now. So, I start up this conversation with him, casual, how's the day, how's the life. Then the inevitable, 'well how are you". Hmm, do I be honest? Because last time I lied he was upset, and when I was honest he seemed supportive. Plus, if he had even taken one second to look at other things he would know things are not well.

So, I answer, honestly.

And then it goes back to that word...that one fucking word..control. Well, you know how to "control" this dont you? Wait, I thought I didnt have control over it, I thought it was a disease. I fought all along to say I had control, that I was choosing to do this. He agrees. Well, then yes, I want to do this, and I'll stop when I want. "oh but you cant stop". Well, so, I dont have control? Right?

This shit is what keeps me in my disease. I feel like Im in control, like Im choosing to do this, but if you said eat this, I wouldnt be able to or willing to. I have so much anxiety that literally cant control my leg from shaking until Im at the gym. cant control. Every professional in my life says I am not in control, or that I dont have a choice. I have fought that my entire life, and yet still they say, its a disease, you cant control it, but it can control you.

So, what the fuck am I suppose to say to you? If you think Im basically telling everyone in my life to fuck off, well lets get it out of the way.

To everyone in my life: FUCK YOU.

Well, Im still not eating today, and I'll still be at the gym, and these fresh wounds from after your nasty comments are still there. So obviously just getting that out didnt do shit.

So, to you especially, yes, this is a big FUCK YOU.

Current Location: Who fucking knows

Current Mood:

pissed off

Current Music: Sia

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24 March 2009 @ 04:00 pm

Food Journal Part Deux- 2009

I knew it would come again. Fuck it going away. So here we begin again, the journal of my punishment, accomplishments, and general sadistic behavior. Familiar.

( Food Journal '09 )

Current Location: Home

Current Mood:

restless

Current Music: Fiona Apple

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05 December 2008 @ 12:53 am

My bears, do not read this. Its not a side of me that I want you to hear. Please

This is a day that is in a spiral. Fuck it. Its a day that is a fall straight fucking down.

Emails that I dont understand, flirtations from a man who is with another person. Someone who is fucking sane, who probably never had an issue in her life.

But yet, he sends me sentences, that suggest and remind, that flashback to the smiles and the nervous laughter, the feeling you get when you meet a feeling. You dont meet a man, a person, "the one", you meet A FEELING. and you know. and he knew.

Ive fucked it up. Im fucked up. Im going to fuck up again in a few minutes.

My friends are falling, and I want to go with them. I want to not be this fat pig that Ive become, this person who eats things I said I would never eat. That I am SO disgusted by, that I wont even mention what it is. Anorexic my ass, obviously not.

My body does not appear to have bones anymore, because now fat covers it. Every day I try to feel for them, I try to see if I can feel them as I did before. They're not there.

My knife is two inches away from me.

Ive been wanting to punish myself for quite some time. But I havent been able to all week. The scars from last week are healed over. Time to remind myself of my failures and my FUCKUPS and THE PAIN THAT IVE CAUSED OTHERS.

Its now on my lap.

Im so fucking lost right now, and no one can find me. But no one is even looking. NOT ONE BIT. Everyone thinks Im fine, everyone see's how fat I am, everyone went right back to their lives.

How do you play hide and seek alone? Because I'll hide from myself, and never seek help.

Im putting it to my skin. Ahh, the blade is cold. Familiar.

Better. But yet still the same fucked up girl that Ive always been.

Current Location: home

Current Mood:

savage

Current Music: NIN

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25 August 2008 @ 11:05 pm

Recidivism, I knew she wouldnt stay away.

At it again. Well, I never really stopped I guess.

The time is right, it came to me today, that I need to go back down that path, that Isabelle is right, again. I know its right this time.

The blood clots so much faster now, must be because Im so much fatter than before. Fuck.

I'll be back soon.

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27 February 2008 @ 02:43 pm

Im BAAACK!

Well Im back from Renfrew. I must say it was an amazing and crazy 9 weeks in inpatient treatment. The first week was a blur, the second week I just wanted to leave, and the third week made me wonder if I had made the right decision to come. BUT after that everything improved and Im glad I went. Its a bit crazy coming back into "real" life, but I'll make it. Especially with the help of Denice and Meaghan as my treatment team. Ahh, the cold Seattle air. Didnt miss that.

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22 December 2007 @ 02:35 pm

(no subject)

Im off to Renfrew for INpatient. Wish me luck!

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05 December 2007 @ 12:21 am

Worse than a puppy, at least they give some resistance when you're pulling them behind you....

Interpretation...such an appropriate description. Since everything that comes through my eyes and ears goes through
interpretation
interrogation
scrupulation
repeat....
over and over again. Recalling the phrase, the intonation, the words. Each word. The way it was said, how the eyes looked, how the body shifted. So many variable, so many interpretations. I want to know them all, I NEED to know them all, a non-stop thinking pattern going in my head. I do know them all. I have so many scenario's, thoughts possibilities, they dont stop coming. Even well after some is over I still come up with answers
Minutes, Hours, Days, Years after....I still can think of something else, another way, another interpretation. And that interpretation invites more and more to come play, to spin it into another interpretation. I have spiders in my head, weaving webs, into each other, with each other, against each other.

Even when I dont care about someone, even when I wouldnt get back together with them if I could, I still play the same mind game. I fucking dont want Van anymore, Ive moved on, but the words, the words still play a game. They are now just playing with each other. I feel like more of a silent yet paralyzed observer, stuck with these voices in my head, running my head. Stopping me to get their way.

"I'd love to help you but Im up North" 9 words in that sentence.
So, you live in Bothell, which is north of where my car is in seattle, but if you were at home you'd just say "well Im at home", so that means you're north of that. Well, or you're north of me and south of Bothell, but then you also said it would take you awhile. So, Im going with that you're north of Bothell. You said Andy was in Seattle tonight so you're not with him, and then youre not in Seattle either (although he didnt know where in Seattle I was). But earlier the message he left said he was going to be at home all day taking care of pops, family was out of town. All day, daytime? I called at 6p, although dark, it was still daytime. And his message was from two hours prior, so why would he say I'll be here all day if he was going to leave within two hours. Must have been a call from someone he wanted to see, someone who could get him up and out right away. So, a girl I would assume. He sounded calm on the phone, a bit too calm. perhaps he just got done fucking someone, or maybe he was laying down with them. But if that was the case why would he answer the phone? Maybe he wanted me to know he was just done fucking someone. So, he's more north than Bothell. Kevin lives more north than Bothell, but he would likely just say "Im at Kevin's", no reason not to, and he didnt sound fucked up. So, must be a girl. Which girl? There's one I know, Amanda. She's north of Bothell, she's up north. Bellingham I think, although she may be in Everett. Hmm, seeing Amanda? I guess not likely, she has a 10yo kid, but he could have gone up to fuck her, kids dont matter when it comes to fucking an ex. She's a whore in my eyes. Mind fucked him the entire time we were together, and then did fuck him in a threesome while we were apart. You're a winner Amanda, fucking cunt. Hmm, or was it a new girl. Oh, what if its both. He could be fucking Amanda and a new girl. He did say that he called last week to set up time to get the bike. He must be moving on then, taking the last few clinging things from the house, so I would think maybe its a new girl. Who lives north of Bothell. Well, he couldnt have been in Bellingham, because he was willing to come down, he just said it would take him some time. So, it was someone he would leave. But would he have left? Or was he just saying that. You know, the sentence you say with just enough "bleh" in your voice that the other person doesnt want to "put you out" so they say nevermind. Who lives betwen Bellingham and Bothell? I shouldnt have bothered calling, three times in two days. Stupid fucking thought. Wonder if he thinks I want to get back with him. I dont, but I wonder if he wonders that. NO, he doesnt often even think of me. He seemed find I was getting AAA. I texted him that, no reply. Wonder if he got it. Wonder if he can text. Well, he can, he's done it. Maybe he turned his phone off.

All of that. All of that was for one sentence FOR NINE FUCKING WORDS. And I could keep going. As I type this other options keep popping up in my mind about that one FUCKING SENTENCE. Now imagine that for every word, every conversation, every minute of every day. And that just with other people, its ten times worse with the conversation going on inside my head.

And chris. Well, who knows where to start. I feel so pathetic right now, so stupid for even thinking as I do. GOD WHAT WAS I THINKING? HOW FUCKING EGOTISTICAL AND NARCISSISTIC! God, you do think you're something special. How fucking dare you? Pathetic. That he would like me, that he may have seen me, talked to me, felt me...and thought this girl is someone I dont want to let go, someone I want to get to know.

So many people say
You're so beautiful
You're so smart and witty
You're so funny
and?
Where is that getting me? Sitting on a couch deciding whether or not to cut because I sent a message asking "would you want to know something about me that doesnt directly involve you but is a big issue in my life" and I got an answer. An answer that was so beatifully written, with such intellect and draw, something that made me want him more, but yet know that I was about to write him a message that would send him running far away from this mess of a girl that I am.

Each sentence, each word, gets interrogation and inspection, in the same fashion it did as the sentence above, an email that only has six lines can sit in my head for weeks straight, compounding my complete disgust in myself for being so pathetic and worthless. What the fuck are you thinking???? Why cant you SEE that these are blow off emails. Why cant you fucking see it you dumb stupid fucking little girl? Get a fucking clue, stop having crushes on people
STOP WANTING PEOPLE WHO DONT WANT YOU .

New plan...Im going to run him off. That is assuming, however, that he's even around. And that is a big assumption that sits in my head, making faces at me, mocking my stupid self for being so sad and dumb.

Im so angry that, for a fleeting moment, I thought he connected with me. but he just fucked me, and got his pleasure...and paid eighty bucks for it (dinner was expensive). I wonder if I was even worth that amount? Doubt it. I cant fuck people worth shit, would you want to be fucking me looking down at this ugly body and plain jane face? I'd turn away.

Why did I send that message? Part of me just wants to send an email back:

"hey, how are you? Guess what? Well, Im anorexic...Im fucked up royally in the head, I eat about 250calories per day and try to run 5miles at least, and I run until I almost pass out. I drink caffinated drinks all day, I use diet pills, take laxatives, I put food in my mouth and then spit it out in disgust, and sometimes work for an hour trying to make myself puke up 3 fucking saltines because I went over budget, because I didnt have enough self control and I fucked up. Oh right, well and then on top of that I turn off all the lights, light some candles that smell like foods I wont eat, and turn on some music. I pull out a steak knife, the same one as before, with all the blood stains on it still, and pull up my pant leg and cut. cheers!"

I look to see what area is good on my leg...have to think about if I have to wear a dress or shorts anytime soon. But really who fucking gives a shit. Find a spot, tap it out to make sure it feels like the right spot, and SLICE, with such force and hatred that it bleeds immediately. Pouring down my leg, racing to grab a towel because I thought it would slowly drip down and clot. I guess my immune system is fucked up.
SLICE, that was for wanting him, for being so pathetic to think he wanted me. that one is deep. wide. bleeding more than the others.You've made a mark on me.
SLICE, that one was for fucking up and going over your calories. I have to remember to throw out the extra crackers tomorrow, then I wont have more than I should. 4 from nothing is nothing.
SLICE, that one was for the fact that you're so pathetic you're doing this
SLICE, that one was for thinking he would reply. and you know what SLICE SLICE SLICE because you sent two fucking emails...after not getting a response on the first one, hello DUMB SHIT. First one should have been the clue.
SLICE, that one was just because. you deserve those. just because you are who you are, fucking puppy. For lying and doing what you do. The secrets. I know what they are.
SLICE. SLICE. SLICE. SLICE. No numbers here, no rules except to do it straight, horizontal, deep, deeper each time.

Im sorry, Im sorry that I even led you to believe that I was normal, that I had a "refreshing view of life", yeah, its really refreshing....blood soaked leg, tear soaked cheeks, empty growling stomach, ugly face, stupid girl, pathetic girl. Im sorry that I keep emailing you. I guess I shouldnt. Then you wouldnt have to send me an obligatory email to make me feel better. Thats is nice of you. You seem so nice, such a character, someone I wanted to know so badly. Im sure if you found someone you were really attracted to and interested in then you probably do connect more with them, that they're probably beautiful and without problems, stable. I cant give you that, and it makes me so sad, because I like you. So, yeah, I know you're a nice guy. Thats why I want to just get this out of the way so I dont have to be wasting your time and making you feel guilty for having to keep talking to a stupid girl with a stupid crush. HOW PATHETIC, HOW FUCKING STUPID AND PATHETIC YOU UGLY FUCKING BITCH WITH A DISGUISTING STOMACH AND UGLY BREASTS, FAT THIGHS, SCARS ON YOUR ARMS, A MOUTH THAT JUST WONT SHUT UP, THAT YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO BE RIGHT. why cant you just SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH! NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR YOUR FUCKING VOICE! STOP TALKING. PLEASE STOP TALKING!!!!!

Current Mood:

crazy

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01 December 2007 @ 09:11 pm

Survey fun...

Eating Disorder Survey

*The Basics*
Name:: "isabelle" (like I'd tell you my real name!)
Sex:: female
Birthday:: Oct
Age:: 29
Location:: Seattle
Hair Color:: Brown
Eye Color:: Blue

*My Eating Disorder*
What Eating Disorders Do You Have:: anorexia, specifically purging anorexia (restriction, purging via exercise)
How Long Have You Had Them:: Started when I was 14, restricted food all through Junior High and High School. Went to college, became vegan restricted more. Came home, met a boy, numbed out for a few years. Then he broke up with me and I went into an anorexia furry in 2000. Got sent to inpatient treatment in 2001. Recovered for a few years, relapsed in 2005 and again in April, more recently this shit really went downhill in July.
Why Do You Have An Eating Disorder:: $10,000 question. I know that bad things that happened to me in the past made me predisposed to it, and pressure from my family and friends to be perfect (and myself) didnt help either. I have it now because I think I feel powerful, like I have the ability to do anything. I also hate myself and want to punish myself for that bad person I really am. To control things, to hurt me, to say fuck you to people that hurt me and to say fuck you to myself.
Are You Proud or Ashamed of Your Eating Disorder:: both, I feel very accomplished when I restrict or resist food, I feel very accomplished when I go to the gym, when the numbers drop, when I can feel bones. Bones are very much the braille for my hands, the way I read my body.
Do People Know About Your Eating Disorder:: Some do, some are completely oblivious, some I keep in the dark. I think because "I should know better" that Im ashamed of it and embarrased that I cant keep my shit together. If I go to treatment I'll be embarrased that I "failed" at anorexia.
Do You Wish People Knew About it:: I dont mind, but I want them to know the truth about it....stereotypes drive me nuts. I dont just run miles and miles all day on coffee and cocaine (I dont even do drugs). I do eat, I just really really restrict, and no, its not just about being thin. Its about making goals and punishing myself for not reaching them or for being the bad person I really am (if people knew my secrets they'd starve me too...)
Do You Wish You Never Had An Eating Disorder:: I wish now I never had it, but i think it did make me into the person I am today and give me some qualities, good and bad, that I probably wouldnt have had without it. Ive always had her, she's been with me and is partially ingrained in me, Im not sure how I would have turned out if I hadnt gone through it all.
Do You Think The Media is Partially Responsible For Your Eating Disorder:: no. I never have felt like I needed to look like someone to be accepted or perfect. I think it may play a part in other girl's disorder though.

*My Body*
Weight Before Eating Disorder:: I dont know. I started so young, I know that I was in the middle of growing when it all hit, Ive always felt chubby and fat. I think in high school I was around 105.
Height: 5'6
Current Weight:: 115
Highest Weight:: 155
Lowest Weight:: 104
Are You Tired A lot:: not really, Im surprised I still have so much energy (everyone keeps telling me Im just going to collapse, but I dont feel that way at all)
Have You Ever Fainted:: Had a few close calls. Once I was really worried and went to the ER, my heart rate was 34. Now I just stop exercising or I grab a mint or something.
Are You Cold All The Time:: fucking YES, all the time! I have hoodies and sweatshirts and scarves...Im cooooold!
Do Your Ribs Show:: yes, doesnt help that Im pale though, lol
Do Your Hipbones Show:: not really. This is the thing that drives me the most nuts, because I dont really have big hips, so no matter how much weight I lose, I'll never have the hipbones I want to see...and that is my favorite bone to see :(
Does Your Collar Bone Show:: yes
Can You See Your Ribs Through Your Back:: Yes, although I dont have any long mirrors so I have to find things to stand on
Do Your Thighs Touch:: nope
Chest Size:: 34B
Does Your Head Look Too Big For Your Body:: i dont think so
Are You Satisfied With The Way You Look Now:: ummmm......NO! I hate my stomach, I would happily get liposuction. I think my thighs are gross as well
If You Could, What Would You Change About Yourself:: I would drop about 10lbs, have more energy, have more fullness to my cheeks, get rid of the dark circles under my eyes when I dont get enough sleep, cut off my fatass stomach
What Is Your B.M.I.:: 18.5
What Do The Doctors Say is Your Ideal Weight:: 128-138
What Do You Think Is Your Ideal Weight:: 107-110.

*My Thinspirations*
Who Are Your Thinspirations:: I dont really have any, although I like Nicole from ANTM. I think thinspirations are for some people and arent for others. Often Im jealous of the girls I see in anorexia books, like the girls in HBO's THIN, I wanted to be them sooo bad (like Ata and Jen)
Who is Your Favorite Thinspiration:: see above
Who is Your Second Favorite Thinspiration:: real life skinny people
Why Do You Envy Them:: I dont know, I have jealously and I hate it. I hate myself for wanting to be them
What's The Best Thing About Them:: How their clothes fit, how their bones stick out (how much better they look than me)
What's The Worst Thing About Them:: I dont know...I dont really know them
Would You Trade Places With Them If You Could:: Most likely

*My Mind*
Do You Consider Your Eating Disorder a 'Disorder':: Yes and no. Sometimes I think I can control it and that its my choice, but other times I feel like its a drug and Im a victim to it, but then that sounds pathetic, so I dont know. I know at some point I chose to go down this road, but once on this road someone else "the ED" is in control, and she doesnt have my best interests at heart all of the time
Are You Pro-Ana/Pro-Mia:: im pro support for those who aren't ready to accept recovery or those who are. I agree with many on this question: "I dont support wanarexics"
Would You Ever Want Your Best Friend To Have An Eating Disorder:: Hell to the no! Its a living hell, Ive had good friends in the past who went through this and it tore me to pieces. I would never wish this on anyone.
What Are Your Disordered Eating Habits:: calorie counting, exercise counting (miles, times, calories), food cutting, condiment abuse, cutting out specific food groups, safe foods, impulsive spitting (like putting something in my mouth and then suddenly spitting it out), caffeine, SF candy/gum, laxative abuse, diet pills, occasional purging (used to be a purging anorexic via exercise and vomiting...made me very sick)
Are You Obsessive Compulsive:: yes, although not a true OCD person, just habits. More obsessive than compulsive
Are You A Perfectionist:: yes, it drives me nuts so much that I cry.
Do You Have Depression:: i don't think I do, I have in the past, but now I dont feel depressed at all
Are You A Cutter:: yes, I cut often (steak knife to thighs), I used to cut on my arms and had to move it so people wouldnt catch on. I often cut my stomach because I hate it, but the deep cuts are on my legs.
Have You Ever Been Suicidal:: yes, Ive had very very intense thoughts in the past
Have You Ever Attempted Suicide:: no
Have You Ever Been Hospitalized For Mental Reasons:: yes, i was admitted to a psych ward in 2001 for what they thought was suicidal behavior (it was just uncontrolled cutting)
Have You Ever Been Hospitalized For Your Eating Disorder:: yes
Do You Have Body Dismorphic Disorder:: yes I do :(

*Your Life Outside Your Disorder*
Favorite Color:: BLUE
Favorite Movie:: There are too many for just one! One of my all-time favorites is The Neverending Story
Favorite Book:: Dont have one (I dont read books very often)
Favorite T.V. Show:: Top Chef!!!
Favorite Season:: I like fall
Favorite Day of The Week:: Wednesday (cause Top Chef is on, lol)
Favorite Time Of Day:: Evening, I like just as and just after the sun goes down.
Favorite Holiday:: Hmm, I like New Years Eve
Favorite Hobby:: Recently its been playing the piano, but other hobbies include golfing, making jewelry, gardening (veggie), painting, and listening to music. I also like to dance like a goofball and laugh
Favorite Actor:: Johnny Depp
Favorite Actress:: Jennifer Connelly
Favorite Musician:: Tori Amos
Do You Have Any Pets:: I have a bunch. I have two dogs, and a plethera of birds
What Do You Like To Do In Your Spare Time:: refer back to the hobbies. I also like to go to the gym, go walking down by the water, going out to movies, out for drinks, dancing. In the summer I do organic veggie gardening

*The Future*
What Do You Want To Study In College:: I finished college, I studied Cell/Molecular Biology
What Career Do You Want:: Veterinary Medicine
Do You Ever Want To Get Married:: Yes, very much so. Haha, but I have to find a man who actually like me and wants to be with me (who the fuck wants to be with this crazed pathetic psycho bitch???) Im like a pathetic puppy dog, always following people, pining for them. When will I figure it out that no one thinks Im that special, that smart, that beautiful.
Do You Ever Want Kids:: I think so...I think someday I do, just not now
Where Do You Want To Live:: Im happy in Washington, but I'd move anywhere along the West Coast, I like the water
Will You Have Any Pets:: Of course!
What Type of House Do You Want:: Nice warm/welcoming comfortable house, old fashioned, with a big yard for a garden and chickens. I'd love to live on the edge of a forest or water. Just to have my own space. A place where you could just know its ok to be as you are....spotless floors or shoes on the porch, laundry drying outside or perhaps still dirty in the hamper. A clean kitchen that shines or a sink full of dishes because we wanted to go back to bed and cuddle a bit longer. Art, I have to have art, and wacky paintings and pictures. Candles, lots of candles...
What Goals Do You Have That Are Unrelated To Your Eating Disorder:: Maybe go back to school, maybe teach. I want to learn Italian, I want to better learn how to play the piano.
What's Your Number One Priority:: well, besides losing weight and working out (which seems the obvious ED answer) work and friends. I love my friends and I want them to be happy, to not worry. I also want to be a good "mom" to my pets. I also want to volunteer more, to give back to people
How Do You Think You Will Die:: thats slightly morbid to think about...skipping it....
When Do You Think You WIll Die:: Again...um....morbid (I have fucking anxiety..stop asking questions like this!!)
Will You Be Missed By Anyone:: I would hope people miss me, but I often feel Im more of a fleeting thought or an afterthought, not really something that lasts in the mind...yeah I know, my own little pity party. Well you decided to read my fucking journal so deal with it!
Will You Have Any Regrets:: dont plan to =]
Will You Have Any Unfinished Business:: Im sure I will, but hopefully it wont fall on anyone's shoulders that I love. I would hate for others to have to come clean up my mess.
Will Your eating disorder still be affecting you?:: lets hope not, that would drive me batty!!!!

Tags: eating disorder survey

Current Location: Home

Current Music: Nine Inch Nails

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29 November 2007 @ 07:34 am

Post Therapy Appt

Well, I wont say it was a waste of a session, but it sure wasnt helpful. I slept through the damn alarm and was late. What the fuck? Seriously.And I was completely out of gas, heading on fumes down to the gas station to put six bucks in to make it to Seattle.

( Read more...session details )

Current Location: The couch

Current Mood:

cynical

Current Music: Cloud Cult- A Good God

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29 November 2007 @ 01:02 am

What now?

Im posting this the night before I see Denice. In the calm mindset Im in, high on percocet, sedated by Fiona.

She's going to find out my weight, and Im worried on what she'll do. Its making me want to play a game with her. Like see if I can say "well where would you be worried" "where wouldnt you want me to be", so then maybe I can see if we're ok with the same number without having to lie off the bat. I havent been to someone who can "officially" say you need to gain. Its a waiting game.

Ive been playing by her rules, and her rules havent involved food, she hasnt said I have to stop, so I feel like I at least have that. I went to the nutritionist...waste of time. Nice person, but I know about what I should eat. Im chosing not to.

The shoe drops boss 1
The shoe drops, boss 2
The shoe drops, good freind
The shoe drops, manager

But so will the weight...I want it. I really really want it.

She said I looked gross
She said that he was just trying to hurt me
She said you know she cares about you she just is taking care of herself
She said they just dont want to say the wrong thing

Yes I know these things, Im smart...so YOU ALL say. Im smarter than this. I know better. I FUCKING KNOW BETTER!!!!!

And then she said your expectations are too high
and then she said but they need to take care of themselves, you have to recognize that
and then she said but he's an asshole what did you expect
and then she said you cant expect both responses, thats not fair

No one said you're right, you were let down, and Im sorry for that.
No one said its ok that you wanted something, you had an expectation, and they let you down.
No one said you can have any expectation you want. They're YOUR expectations.

No one said Im sorry you're hurting.

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07 November 2007 @ 02:00 pm

FOOD JOURNAL

I decided to take my food journal ive been keeping for the past four months and put it online.
From paper to virtual, welcome to my chaos.

( Food diary..not for the faint of heart! )

Current Mood:

numb

Current Music: Tori Amos

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06 November 2007 @ 03:10 pm

weight

thank fucking god my weight went back down!! I was sooooo freaked out that I had gained four pounds when I checked on Sunday. Ive been restricting like no other and exercising. Im glad when I went in today (48hrs later) it was just as it was on Sat. I think it was from all the drinking and the salty popcorn/chips.

But it needs to go lower.....

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03 November 2007 @ 10:23 am

failure

I feel like I failed last night.

I was doing great yesterday, I only had like 200calories and I had worked out for 45min in the morning. I knew I was going out, but I didnt plan on eating anything.

So, I get there and have a drink, then she orders fries and mushrooms...sautee'd at least, so I had a few of them. I grabbed two of the smallest fries and ate them so she'd see me eat and not ask questions. Well, thats not totally honest. I also ate them because I wanted them. I grabbed a third, put it in my mouth and then pulled it out. FUCKIN WEAK BITCH!!! I didnt need those fries, I didnt need to buckle.

I had some mushrooms, that was fine.

Then I had another drink, and another drink, and another. Then he ordered nachos.

I had one or two full chips with cheese on them, then I started picking off jalepenos and trying to find veggies. I felt like such a failure, I feel like Ive gained ten pounds.

I got home and had two biiiig handfulls of popcorn. I felt, I FEEL even fatter and more bloated. My stomach is sticking out, Im sure I gained a few pounds. FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!

What the fuck was I thinking??? Why couldnt I not even bother to put it into my mouth? why the hell did I have a malibu?????? there are so many fucking calories in that stupid drink, i should have just had water or a reg rum and diet. GOD DAMN IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Im going to try to hit the gym twice today, maybe I can work it off.

Im just so mad at myself. I normally have great ability to resist, to say no, but i showed so much weakness, fuck fuck. I dont even know what to say, im shaking mad right now and totally disappointed in myself and my progress. im so ashamed.

Current Location: Le Couch

Current Mood:

stressed

Current Music: Superchick- Courage

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31 October 2007 @ 08:53 pm

cooling

so, i saw denice today. made the stupid mistake of telling her I weighed myself...and then the bigger mistake of telling her what I weighed (i was fuckin tired..not thinking) so she then makes a comment that she'll only let me go down 5lbs or so and then she'll admit me to a hospital. can she really do that? i dont think so. I mean i know she has a responsibility to make sure her patients are safe, but I dont think she can force me to go (i can always leave ama). So im pissed now

pissed enough to want to hit the gym, but worried enough that I may lose my job if i do lose the weight. whatever, im not going to stop for her. besides, i know from the past its a bitch and a half to lose five pounds, it will take a few weeks at least. at 300cals a day you dont lose weight that fast.

i was so close to telling people at work, mainly because I had to go back to work after the appointment and i was in full panic mode. but I kept my big mouth shut. if i get sent to a hospital they can learn then, but not before.

im also mad that because i havent slept in two days i look thinner than i actually am....so i dont think it was fair that she was judging how i looked based on an exhausted state. what the fuck

so, i bet this is going to lead me to cut, because the gym is closed at this point and its like 20degrees outside. ive restricted today but I feel huge.

what the fuck ever

Current Mood:

annoyed

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29 October 2007 @ 03:37 pm

weight

So, i weighed myself for the first time in six years, since I left treatment. Ive been wanting to do it,but something was keeping me back. Well, not anymore.

I am disappointed at the number, im still trying to hit my goal weight, but it was less than i expected.

hmm

Current Mood:

blank

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28 October 2007 @ 08:26 pm

i caved...again

So, i did it again....after hearing from him and seeing that he really doesnt give a shit about me. time for the additional punishment, time for the knife

This time I went for my arm. Not sure why...ive been trying to avoid places that people at work can see. Most of them are on my upper thighs. but I wanted to go back to my arms, the place that i went to for so many years, the spot I can look at and see, at every second of every day. I tapped around finding the right spot, then just SLICED a mark. It bled. way more than the little tally marks of recent weeks. it bled so much I had to grab a towel because it spattered on my couch. what a fuckin relief. fuckin idiot of a person, PATHETIC PUPPY.

It wasnt enough, i had to do more, left and right of the marking, i left little pawprints on my arm. blood drips and pools, letting my knife spread it around my arm like soft butter, painting a picture, so sensual. I left the blood on the knife...it will remind me next time of what a fool I am.

I feel the release. and he doesnt even know.

I love you isabelle

Current Location: living room

Current Mood:

rejected

Current Music: Nine Inch Nails

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26 October 2007 @ 09:21 am

the severity

the severity

of my sadness is endless, something I cant control and struggle to hide. Something Im ashamed of and hate, something I cling to it like a blanket from my youth, almost enjoying the tears as they pour from my eyes and cling to my chin before drowning my shirt. how stupid could you be? really, how FUCKING STUPID COULD YOU BE? for a smart person youre sure a stupid fuck. you're pathetic for thinking anyone would want you, what the fuck were you thinking? what the fuck are you still thinking? you knew the outcome, I knew the outcome, we knew. why didnt you listen to me? i am the only one left for you, you shouldnt have done that

of my self hate is immense. I hate me. And there are times when all I want to do is just like ONE FUCKING PART OF ME!!! Jsut Fucking one.., I just want to cut myself out of this body, to destroy the surface to punish myself. There are times I cant cut deep enough or long enough, hours that I'll spend marking myself, like a tally sheet, each one reminding me how much I deserve all of this. for al the people that treat me like Im the nothing that I am, for all the people that tell me Im worth it then spit in my face...i can see right through you, I know how you really feel about me. I feel the same way. I should have known better, Im such a fucking puppy dog, so obvious and pathetic. the hate from others does and will contine to feed me, when no food can, i will use hate to feed my anger towards myself and to continue the punishment

of my starvation is growing. it has been daily, pushing myself to go lower and lower and lower. I dont need it, I dont need the food, i dont deserve it. Ive hurt so many people, I deserve a time of pain, awhile of selfhate and punishment. Its something that ive come to decide and accept, feeling the growl as it rolls around my stomach, I love that feeling. Going to sleep hearing my body cry out for nourishment and telling it no, because I hate it as much as other people hate it. non deserving pathetic piece of shit. you fucking are pathetic and needy. those bones are proof

of my anxiety is overwhelming. the thoughts that roll over and over and over and over and over in my head, keeping me awake for hours, spinning in my head until i cut myself or hit myself to avoid thinking. I just want to die sometimes to get my mind to stop running....I JUST WANT CALM IN MY HEAD FOR ONE FUCKING DAY... ONE DAY!!!!! Im so frustrated angry at my head, details wont stop coming to me, solutions and problems roll around from the moment I wake up through my dreams until i escape with alcohol or blood. cutting at least has the benfit of no calories and no hangover. i dont care anymore about the scars, only enough to keep them hidden so others wont find out and try to interject, trying to overlay them in areas that i can feel all through the day to remind myself, to focus on things that dont entail thoughts or thinking. to obssess on something that fuels my self hate and keeps me from giving in.

isabelle, you're winning this battle.

of my fear is small. ive been here before, its familiar. i dont fear hunger, i look forward to waking to the sounds of my stomach to the feeling of my ribs and my pelvis, peeking out, trying to be another visual reminder of how much i hate myself, how much i can manage to live while still managing to hurt myself so much, while no one really know. or well no one really cares enough to say something. im happy they dont.

of my disgust for even writing this in the first place is leading me to quit

Current Mood:

angry

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